Yesterday was a bad day and I refused to be strong.
I let myself have a bad day and a bad night. It’s been a while since I’ve had one.
When I was out and about for the day, I had a blank face on, fake smiling when I needed to.
When I got home, I held my stuffed animal as I cried into it.
I had no energy, motivation, willingness to write something.
I talked to my best friend all night about whatever was on my mind, just pouring every thought out.
I told her wanted to skip today because she’s coming over tomorrow.
Today is a bit better. One good sign is that I’m writing.
I’m choosing to find the physical and mental strength to write this. Even though I just want to go to bed.
Sometimes I feel pressure to stay strong all the time because I’ve been strong for this amount of time and because I’ve “recovered” from so much and achieved so much. I’ve been praised for being so strong that sometimes I feel like I let people down when I have weak days.
But those feelings of pressure and guilt fade when I remember that I have disorders causing this. Whenever I feel down, it’s not my fault. It’s just that my depression/anxiety won the fight of the day.
Most days, I win because I fight hard. I take medication, practice self care, go to counselling, write and help others. I do what I can.
When depression/anxiety wins, it can become so paralyzing. There’s really nothing I can do about it. It’s too hard to force myself out of it so I just wait for it to fade and do what I need to do to make sure I get through the day and don’t lose hope.
Somedays, it’s just not worth the fight.
I always say to people, “it’s okay to have bad days, as long as you know how to pick yourself up” or “it’s okay to have bad days, as long as you don’t stay there.”
It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to be strong all the time.
Speak up when you’re not okay. You don’t have to struggle alone. True friends will never judge you or make you feel bad or like a failure for falling.
Let them help you when you can’t help yourself. Let them catch you when you fall.
You’re not weak, or any less than a person, when you have a down period where you can’t be strong, especially after staying strong for so long.
I know it’s hard going from all the way up to right back down (welcome to my life) but don’t give up. Live for the good days where you can smile without faking it. Live for the good times with your friends. Live for those rare moments where you’re completely happy and content.
Whenever I’m in my “depression mode”, I know now that I’m living for a purpose and that I will be happy again. Soon.
I’m seeing my best friend tomorrow. And I know she will give me a reason to truly smile and bring me comfort during this rough time.
(As if I don’t say it enough, thanks for everything)
Below are some of the lyrics to “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans. This song reminds me that even when I’m weak, I can become strong again.
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.
And I’m done hoping that we can work it out.
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels,
Letting you drag my heart around.
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.