Mental Health

Inside look on an anxiety attack

An assignment I did for my Special Fields of Writing class.

It is a typical, busy day at school. I sit in front of the computer and log in. As usual, it’s taking forever to load. As I wait, my mind wanders elsewhere. A million thoughts come rushing and I start to panic. I feel my throat closing and my breath becoming short.

I rush out of the room. My hands start to shake as I am trying to control my wheelchair. I get to the ground floor and I get lost in an overwhelming crowd. My mind starts spinning and my vision gets blurry. My stomach starts to feel nervous because of all the people around me. I feel like everyone’s staring, judging, seeing right through me, even though no one’s looking at me. I hate huge crowds of people.

I can hear sounds, but I don’t know what they are. My internal thoughts are so loud, making all external sounds are muffled and I can’t make anything out of it. I’m scared and start to panic even more. I look in every direction trying to figure out where to go, as if I’m looking for an escape. Still panicking, I continue to walk around the school until I decide on a plan.

I walk into the Student Success Centre and ask to speak to my counsellor. There’s a 45-minute wait. I pace the waiting area. I try to find something to focus on but nothing works. My vision and my thoughts are still unfocused, to the point where I can’t even read the motivational posters on the wall. I sit near the table and put my head down. When I look up a few minutes later, I see five more people waiting with me. I ask to wait in a separate room, where I can be alone at last.

I go into the room. The light is off. The darkness gives me a weird sense of relaxation; not a lot but some. I put my shoulders on the desk and bury my face in my sweaty hands. I take some deep breaths. I feel like screaming. I’m scared. I feel like this is never going to end. I can hear myself start to whine. I feel a few tears rolling down my face. I become confused. “Why do I feel like this? Why am I freaking out?” I ask myself. Confusion turns into frustration: “What is wrong with me?”

I grab my blanket with the picture of Demi Lovato and I on it that I got made. It is very soft. I hold it tight. I feel she is with me and I am not alone. I play Demi’s music on my iPod. The song and her voice are very calming. It is very comforting. Twenty minutes go by and I start to calm down. My thoughts get quiet. My breathing and vision slowly goes back to normal. My anxiety attack has come to an end at last.

Jessica Victoria
<p>Jessica Victoria, 24, is a writer and advocate for mental health, disability and LGBTQ+. She uses her personal experiences and knowledge to help and educate others.</p>

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