Mental Health

Why I am alive today..

I’m going to be honest here and say there has been a few times this year where I’ve felt like giving up. It’s a really really horrible, dark place to be in. You have no hope. You hate your life and everything in it. You want to end the suffering and disappear. No one feels worse than you. No one understands you. You feel alone. You’re scared for your life. Severely depressed thoughts/suicidal thoughts are a lot to handle and a lot to regain from.

Luckily, I’m fine now and am in a good place. Luckily, these severely depressed episodes don’t last long for me. Just a few days tops then I’m fine again.

I’m still here because I am a fighter. Whenever I’m feeling severely depressed, to the point where the thought of ending my life slips my mind once or twice, I fight my goddamn hardest. I don’t give up. I get help right away. Why do I fight? Because I honestly love life.

The last time I was in the hospital, I thought about a lot. It was really life changing. I still remember it so clearly. These next four things really saved my life.

1. I have goals/plans

There are so many things I want to do before I one day do die. I have goals. I have lots of plans next week. I want to graduate. I want to get another tattoo. There’s this movie I want to go see in theatres. I want to hug Demi again. I want to get published. I want to become a bigger and better mental health advocate. I want to go to California. I want to see my best friend do comedy again. I want to fall in love with someone who loves me back.

I want all this stuff to happen. No matter how big or small, it gives me something to hold onto. I want to experience these things, and I need to be alive to.

2. I can’t leave everyone

Even though oftentimes the depressed version of me feels like a burden to others or feels like no one cares, there will always be people who would hurt if I left them.

The last time I felt like this, I spent some time with a friend who had dropped everything just to be with me. She knew everything. I told her, and when I didn’t, she figured it out just by looking at me. She said things to me that I will remember forever. I know she cares about me more than I would ever know. I know she loves me. I know she’d fall apart if I took my life. She’d never let me do it anyways. I could never ever leave her. Ever.

This is where I can’t be selfish. She told me that. I will remember that statement forever.

3. I won’t be able to experience the things I love again

When I was with my friend the last time I felt like this, I told her to just hold me. She did as she stroked my arm gently. We stayed like that as we talked for hours. It felt nice.

A thought popped in my head, “if I died, I’d never be able to feel hers (or anyone’s) touch again.” It has stayed with me ever since.

I love cuddles. I love hugs. It makes me happy. It makes me feel better. The thought of never cuddling or hugging anyone ever again, especially my best friend, breaks my heart.

4. I don’t believe in any afterlife

Judge me if you want. But I don’t have a belief about what happens to us after we die. I don’t know if it’ll be peaceful or if it’ll be scary because I’m all alone. Maybe that’s a good thing because for all I know, it can be worse than life as we know it.

If you ever, ever feel like ending your life, please take something from this blog post. Make plans. Set goals. Remember the people who love you. Spend time with them. Be honest with them! Let them help you. Remember the things you love. Remember what it’s like to be held. Remember all the good things in life. Please. And please, if you’re at immediate risk, call 911 or an helpline. Someone will be there for you.

To my friend who helped me through this and everything else, thank you. Thank you for reminding me everyday that you love me. Thank you for believing in me.

Stay Strong lovelies <3

Jessica Victoria
<p>Jessica Victoria, 24, is a writer and advocate for mental health, disability and LGBTQ+. She uses her personal experiences and knowledge to help and educate others.</p>

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