Mild trigger warning.
It’s been over four years since I was last in the hospital for suicidal thoughts. It was a horrible experience, but that’s not what this post is about (I’ll link it below if anyone wants to read about it). I want to talk about what my life has been like since then.
After that last hospital visit, I haven’t really had any strong suicidal thoughts. I’ve had passive ones here and there, but nothing that really stuck or put me in a crisis situation. However, these thoughts do still scare me and trigger my mood a lot, which is understandable. I mean, imagine having a good day and then your brain is like, “Hey, let’s run into traffic!” It can really put a damper on your mood.
Before I continue, I want to briefly explain what a passive suicidal thought just so we’re all clear. A passive thought is a thought that just pops up in your head and passes. That’s it. It doesn’t mean I want to or am going to hurt myself. They can be really random or triggered by something. But it’s just an unwanted thought.
Having these types of passive suicidal thoughts on a bad day is even worse. Last week, when I was having a really bad day, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. It triggered a whole bunch of passive suicidal thoughts. It brought back memories of when I left the hospital. The exact same thing happened, only at that time, I wouldn’t have cared if the car had hit me. But, I didn’t really feel anything after it happened last week, aside from the fact that it shook me up a bit. I was strong enough not to listen to the passive suicidal thoughts, though. Instead, I listened to my best friend, Carly, the same person who saved my life four years ago.
Some people think that you shouldn’t say that suicide is selfish. I agree with that to some extent. But, in my case, it saved me. Four years ago, Carly said, “This is where you can’t be selfish.” I remember that moment clearly. I remember the sadness in her eyes, and the comfort and love that I felt as I snuggled up to her. I felt so safe, yet so terrified of myself at the same time. It made me realize that leaving this earth would mean leaving her, and I didn’t want to do that. It also meant that I would never get to hear her voice or feel her comforting touch again, or anyone’s for that matter.
Staying alive and strong for her was just enough to keep my head above water, so that I could work on wanting to stay alive for me. At this point in my life, I’m alive for me. I love my life. I love what I do. I’ve done so much in these past four years that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I’d ended my life. I wrote a book, which has helped many people. I won an award from the LGBTQ+ community here. I got to be in the same arena as Ellen Degeneres when she came to speak in Toronto. I started doing stand-up comedy and I have a set coming up next week. Recently, I got to see the Jonas Brothers reunite and I went their concert with Carly. It was amazing and surprisingly emotional, as they played so many old and new songs.
I try my best to create new opportunities, so that life doesn’t get boring and sucky. And so far, I’ve created a pretty good life for myself.